Zookeeper of the Day

Greetings!

It’s been busy up in this piece. Just a quick update to fill you in on the goings-on:

1) Flash is still buried in the backyard. RIP, Buddy.

2) Dylan‘s football team won the City Championship this season!! Usually, the Honey Badger was playing in the dirt at the games, but here is a picture of her in the stands:

Honey Badger watches a playoff game.

Honey Badger watches a 5th grade football playoff game. She LOVES watching her brother play football.

3) I was so excited to take the Honey Badger to her natural (faux) habitat: The Zoo. Contrary to popular belief, at least around here, it’s not open on Mondays during November. Now, I don’t normally run out and buy my kids something if they are disappointed, AT ALL, but it was in it’s room sobbing it’s eyes out because I lied to it about going to the zoo. We put tights and a skirt on, and everything. I felt sooooo bad. So, I threw out the Disney Store as an alternative! HB didn’t flinch. She said she didn’t want to go, but I don’t think she knew how magical it could be. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that Disney doesn’t make dreams come true.

They asked HB why she was in the store today. I explained that I broke her heart, and she thought she was going to the zoo. This Manager engaged HB and said she needed help naming some animals. HB, naturally, got all of them correct.

They asked HB why she was in the store today. I explained that I broke her heart, and she thought she was going to the zoo. This manager engaged HB and said she needed help naming some animals. HB, naturally, got all of them correct. The manager was so “impressed” with her animal naming skills, that they named her the “Zoo Keeper of the Day” and presented her with a gift certificate and a crown.

A very pleased Zoo Keeper of the Day, along with her certificate and crown.

A very pleased Zoo Keeper of the Day, along with her certificate and crown.

But, let's not ruin the moment by actually admitting we had a good time.

But, let’s not ruin the moment by actually admitting we had a good time.

4) Mr. Dylan had to get some new photos taken, and I will post them below. He and I ended up on an episode of Parks & Recreation, that will be airing on Nov. 21st. I hesitate to even admit this, because I haven’t gone Vegan yet, or even vegetarian, so I am pretty sure I am going to be kind of a fatass in the episode, but we’ll see. VEGAN 2014! (New motto). Just watch “Forks Over Knives” and you will understand.

DYLANDylan2Dylan3Dylan4

5.) Lastly, I don’t normally run out and buy my kids something for being good. I know, I know. #3 was well warranted, but damn if this one wasn’t WAY more warranted. So, yesterday, I had to drive 30 minutes south for an appointment.  This was a couple I had seen before, and they carved time out of their busy week to meet with me. The problem was, I had to bring HB to the sales appointment with me, unexpectedlyMy plea was not overkill, but simple in nature: “I will promise you the world, and all of Meijer, Target, and Walmart COMBINED, if you remain quiet the WHOLE time and do not ask Mommy a single question. NOT ONE QUESTION.”  Ok, so in reality, I promised “ONE” item to pick out if she did not interrupt my very important sales meeting. 

Here’s how it went:

Oh, did I mention my sales manager was meeting me there because I asked her to support me in this very important endeavor?

They answer the door –  “Oh, Hi! I just brought my whole entourage here (hee hee)…this little one was a last minute addition!”

I go to set HB up on the floor with a blanket, library books, a doll, and lots of doll clothes (that I gave her the day before – I found them in the basement….my own doll clothes from when I was little….)

Anyway, set her up and…….

TWO HOURS LATER…

It never said a single word. 

I could have cried. I did, in fact, as I carried her to the car, with 3 completed applications for business, 3 checks, and all her stuff that she spread all over their living room floor. She played incredibly quietly until she fell asleep on top of her library books. She broke my heart again, as my children do repeatedly, only because I can’t fathom how they could treat me this way. How could she have known, that today of ALL days, I needed her to be as responsible and absolutely perfect as possible?

So, I promised her something. And, she didn’t forget. She picked out a Barbie makeup kit for $9.99, and she and her Daddy dived into it as soon as possible last night:

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But, of course, today is another story.

– HB had bath.

-HB got dressed.

-HB insisted on doing makeup on my face before she went to school. Ok, no problem.

-HB always has another plan. She wants to paint her face as a kitty cat before she goes to school.

-HB wins.

"Erin, you cannot wear makeup to school." "Wellllllllllll, Odette wears makeup all the time and paints her face all the time." "Oh, reallllllllllly."

“Erin, you cannot wear makeup to school.”
“Wellllllllllll, Odette wears makeup all the time and paints her face all the time.”
“Oh, reallllllllllly.”

As usual, HB wins.

As usual, HB wins.

Famous last words, as she walks out of the house to go to school.

“MEOOOOW!!”

“I’m Gary.”

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My Husband is a Beast!

When it comes to Sean McGill, he’s all or nothing. So, when I asked him to join me on the Atkins diet, he was adamantly opposed. Then, I started telling him each day how I was losing 1 lb. per day. He was working out every day on his lunch break, but losing nothing. He still wasn’t swayed. I told him I had been on livestrong.com and they had practically endorsed the high protein/low carb Atkins diet and offered advice on how to work out while following the Atkins guidelines. Anyway, it was this that finally got him to give it some thought. He decided he was ALL IN. We were hard core Atkins followers, consistently losing weight for about 7…whole…days. Then, after he lost 10 lbs, and I lost 5, we decided maybe it wasn’t really all that healthy to be in ketosis (where you lose the weight so quickly in Phase 1). So, like any other critically thinking, highly intelligent, college grads’ couple, we decided we needed to add SOME carbs back in. In the form of wine. In the evening. And, guess what? We kept losing weight. We felt like badasses because we circumvented the process.

Then, we ate regularly during the weekend and we gained it all back.

Ok, we weren’t really doing it right to begin with. You’re supposed to do 2 weeks of nothing but protein, no wine, blah blah blah. We put forth some serious effort at first, but now we were half-assing it and still succeeding…kind of.  The result is I feel like I’ve now shot my metabolism in the face. In the meantime, Sean has transformed in a way that I have, uh, never seen.

FOR EXAMPLE, Sunday morning. He was pumped UP to go to the grocery. In fact, he went THREE times that day. It doesn’t matter about the first two trips. What really got me was the 3rd trip, this time to Trader Joes. He happened to come home right as my Mom & Dad pulled up in the driveway to take both of our kids, along with two of their other grandchildren, to lunch and the Dollar Store (where SO MANY treasures lurk!!!). My Dad asked Sean, “How’s it going?” and Sean responded, “I’m living the life, Bill. I just got back from the grocery!” And, sadly or not, he was truly happy about this. He prominently displayed his fruits and vegetables, including ginger root, kale, and tiny cucumbers (he was especially excited about these, never having bought them before).  He was more amped up than ever. The Colts game had already been underway for an hour, and my husband could usually be found sitting in the family room watching it and drinking a Guinness. Instead, he was in the kitchen concocting a “Smoothie” consisting of a recipe he found on Dr.Oz’s website. Who was this man and what did he do to my husband? We actually had a free couple of hours, NO KIDS, and my husband was excitedly chopping up his kale, ginger root, vegetables, and fruit to puree in the blender. He slowly poured it into a glass, drank it, set it down, put his hands on his hips and said, “Hm. Not bad.” I said, “That’s it?! After all that drama and excitement? Pour me a glass. I want to try it.” And tried it, I did. Not bad. I didn’t have too much to say about the “smoothie” one way or the other and went back to my work. My husband then threw one leg up on the granite counter top, hands on his hips and said, “I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY!!!”.  Good Lord. The windows were open. People could see in, neighbors could hear us. I have no doubt Sean thought the kale was running through his veins.

This was all too much and I just couldn’t stop laughing. But, I pulled myself together, kept sipping my drink that I wasn’t sure if it tasted like vomit or something totally delicious. He laughed his ass of with me because, let’s be honest, he didn’t know who the hell he was either, and declared excitedly, “I’m going to pour myself another Health Shake and go watch the football game!!!!” and in that moment, I really did lose it. I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t even breathe. It gets better though. I was actually falling asleep working at my computer, getting ready to go lie down and take a nap. Then Sean strides into the kitchen and says, “I’VE HAD THREE OF THOSE THINGS!! I’M PROBABLY GONNA DIE!!” and this just sent me over the edge. I was gasping for breath, doubled over laughing at his sudden passion for kale shakes. Maybe this just sounds a little boring and not the least bit funny, but you have to know Sean and his enthusiasm for things. He threw his whole entire body into the kale shake and he’s a changed man. This was Sunday, it’s now Tuesday. He’s still making a shake each morning of kale, ginger root, bananas, carrots, celery, and other things that I can’t keep track of. I drink my coffee and marvel at this man who is a constant source of entertainment for me, my kids, and my own family. He’s a natural phenomenon.